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Saturday, May 7, 2011

I have a potty mouth, because I am me (airing my dirty laundry)

 Would you like to listen instead?

I am not totally sure why, but I have not had the best hold on my tounge lately. Ever so often I have to 'see' this - and honestly it seems to take way longer than it should.

I mean, to be honest - I am not spitting out expletives around those ears that do not need to hear; though on occasion that does happen. I really just want to talk about what my mind goes through when this occurs.

The first few times it happens (I am pretty much guaranteed to be alone) I will probably not even think about it. Then later I will have the realization that I am losing my mind... or just my tongue ... probably both combined. Anyway, I really beat myself up when I realize what I am doing.

What I mean by beating myself up is what my head/imagination goes through. The easy way to explain is about how I do this with others. When I judge someone else, at first glance, with no actual proof. Either "nerd" "fat" "rich" "snob" "poor" "fool" and trillions of other I am sure! Anyway my mind immediately goes to court.

I am standing in the middle of the room and on the giant screen of my life (much like the screen that was in the movie "Click") and everyone in heaven gets to watch it with me, but it has video commentary created by my thoughts at the time. So in these horror flash fiction split second thoughts, everyone I know and love, and do not even know get to see and hear everything that I have ever thought and done. This scares me in those moments of judgements, and I CRY OUT in my thoughts an apology those that I have done wrong to. Who knows, maybe when we all get to watch this insanity together - those apologies might do some good ... not sure, but it will not make me stop doing it.

Anyway, back to my potty mouth. I do not even have a reason for what comes out my mouth sometimes ... I am sure God will just give me a look and I will not really be able to say anything to defend myself. I beat myself up. Do you?

Love you guys and gals ! And I am so glad of the Blood of Christ in my life - let's move forward no matter the hardships!
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