My life and Hope for the backslid Christian (Blurb, Testimony)

 

When I look back on my life and what I call my "testimony" I cannot help but feel that my story is quite different from many of them I often hear of.

What do I often hear... two main stream things

1. I was a dirty rotten sinner that was addicted to drugs and gang banging that death was the only possible outcome.

2. I was saved at 3 years old and have been 'following' Christ ever since.

Granted I was a sinner, but I never really looked at what I did as anything terribly horrible.  Well ... there were horrible things, but they only involved family.. maybe that was due to the military lifestyle and not knowing very many people due to moves, but even in that we were odd - because we only had ONE large move. From Montana to Alabama when I was 5.  After that we stayed in Alabama ... moving a little within the same areas, but never too far away.  My dark sins were of the kind that are hidden on the surface, and I feel that these undercurrent sins are overlooked when we go to testimony... never the less ... it is my testimony.

 I need not go into detail of what they were or who they affected, but no one really knew of them until I was saved and 'recovering' from them.  Something I learned fairly early in my Christian life was that we do not just have victory and never worry about our past sins again.  Satan does not allow this.  he knows that those things are weakness - and he exploits it.  He does not wish for us to have victory and (he .. our desires) will whisper in your ear until you finally give in to that temptation.. fallen again.. as you were - then he has you trapped because you will believe all the lies told to you.  

I accepted Christ at 16.  What I mean by this is that multiple times in my life before that point I was given opportunity to accept Christ as my savior and the forgiveness of my sins.. prayed the prayer and then went on living without a change.  At 16 .. it was different.  Something finally clicked.  I always had a problem with the 'fact' that the Israelites were God's people, but in the end they seemed to get the shaft with Jesus.  If I remember back, I am pretty sure that I did not understand this, but what I do remember is that I was tired of living and feeling the way I felt my entire life.  No matter my victories, no matter my accomplishments - I never felt as if I did anything worthy.  I had a girl friend at the time and I knew that the real reason I 'had' her was because I just needed someone to love me. I realized what being lost meant - I realized that something was broken inside of me.. and I wanted it fixed.

So I accepted Jesus and all came out right and I knew how to live and have had a perfect life since....

No... that is not how it went.  It would have been nice and I think that it is something believed.  That you accept Jesus and all your problems and issues disappear into a poof of smoke.  I know that I have talked about it before.. having Christ.. and how problems 'fade' ... but there is a difference.  A change can happen inside you.. to want to change, yet you still do not know HOW to do it quite yet.  That was me.  I knew I was doing things wrong and I began to learn what was right ... yet still doing things wrong.  God had to really change the world around me. (friends, that girlfriend, things I interacted with) in order for ME to become different.  It was very hard on me - I felt like things were being taken from me, worse yet I believed that I actually deserved the things that I had.  That God may moved them for the time and I would get them back later because they were FOR ME. 

I knew that moment at 16 .. I could not accept Christ unless I was going to be perfect in that lifestyle.  I knew that I could not be seen as a hypocrite at all.  I had to show everyone around me a new person.  That is what I was.. right?

I failed.  and I failed again, and again.  I remember being told by my brother that I was a hypocrite .. for years he threw this at me.. and he was right.. and I knew it.  I had the mind of change.. I was changing, but it still was not good enough.  I had to create perfection in this lifestyle.  I could not let anyone find fault in me.  My solution.... hide the sins. Hide the bad that I did.. if they did not see it.. then I was doing my job.  Little did I let myself realize that still.. that was the definition of hypocrite.

hyp·o·crite

noun

1.

a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2.

a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

source

I created other solutions.  I began to reach out and 'teach' others about Jesus.  I was seeking hard the truths of God's word and would constantly ask others about if they believed it... and what they believed.  I will never forget the first guy that I felt led to witness to.  I was a lifeguard at the time - I would read my bible on my breaks and everyone knew it.. not because I made a big deal of it .. just because it happened.  One day I was asked to put together some picnic tables.  A job that was great because it was different then sitting and scanning a pool for danger.  The problem that I quickly ran into was that there were NO tools to do the work with.  This guy that was at the pool everyday came over and asked if I needed tools.  I had no problem letting him know that I did .. and he ran to his vehicle to get his.. and without question began to help me put together these tables. 

The holy spirit began to work on me.  And it worked on me much like this ... 

hey Derek... ask this guy if he believes in God...... hey Derek... ask this guy if he believes in God...

On and on.. I was terrified to ask this man, that I had only interacted with was him working to help me.., if he believed in God.  That was crazy.... He would think I was crazy.  I finally ask the guy and we have a great conversation about the bible and it ended up that I gave him a bible and my bracelet with the color beads to remember the salvation experience.  It was AMAZING to tell someone about Christ and have them accept Christ.  I needed more of this.. but where could I find more people that NEEDED Jesus?  

I shoved the idea that I was still being hypocritical with other things in my life.. grabbed a Christian friend and accepted an invitation to a bar.. or club.. or something of that nature... I never found out because my friend and I never made it inside the building.  Unknown to each of us there was a twenty dollar cover charge ... and neither of us had any money.  The only things that we were armed with were our prayers and our bibles.  We were going to fight principalities and drunkenness... why did we need money for that?  A guy walked out and saw us with our bibles and we were able to witness to him.. awesome.. God used us.. it was just as fulfilling as the first time.  Can I get more?

I ... or rather we.. a group of us 'older' youth decided we would start a college age group at our church... and so we did.  This atmosphere would be perfect.. being in the church and just having people coming in to join us.. and them all getting saved .. it was a recipe for perfection on this world.  To shorten this story considerably ... we were  chastised many times.. for various things.. and me.. being the one unofficially 'in charge' of the group ... felt as if every failure was my own.. and only my own.  We decided that we would meet in each others homes.  By this time I was married (fyi .. quickly now we have gone from age 16 to 20) and my wife and I had a home that we were renting.. it would be perfect for bible studies.

We met.. once .. or twice.. I cannot remember.. but it did not really work out well either.. so we decided to move the meetings back to the church.  The very first meeting we had the pastor's wife got on to us for not informing the Pastor and was very upset with us for 'how we did things'.  This was my first .. and probably worst look at 'church politics'.. It was likely the worst.. because I took it so hard.  I felt that it was the last straw.  I was living that 'perfect' life.. no one should be able to see any of my problems.  I was reading my bible.. praying... doing things "EXACTLY" as I should be.. and EVERYTHING that I was trying to do for God was falling down around me.

This is the point of my life I want all to understand.  I was a follower of Christ.. I worked hard for the kingdom of God, but I was done... I could NOT handle the ridicule and heartache that I had taken over the past few years.. so.. I quit church.. I would get God at home.. alone.. just me and my wife.

All things in my life began to gravitate into darkness.  My jobs were failing to pay the  bills... My wife was not getting pregnant as fast as her brother and his girlfriend and I wanted a kid... my relationship with my wife was more about what I wanted and nothing bout what she wanted.  I became a husk.  I became a dark void of life.  One of my friends .. when speaking of this time period makes the statement, "Derek was gone.. you were no longer yourself" .. the really trippy part is that .. I was myself.. I was ONLY myself.. it is just that these people never really knew ME without GOD.  What I was then.. was what I had been before the age of 16.. before any change began to occur.. and likely .. I would say that some things were worse.. 

I remember the moment ... not when I 'got saved at 16' but.. the moment I realized Jesus was there.  That ... He was always there.  In my mind's eye I remember.. I was on a dark floor.. under a spotlight.. and crying.. I looked up.. and saw a hand reaching for me.. I did not know who the hand belonged to.. just that it was there .. and it wanted me.. it wanted to help me.. so I grabbed hold.  It was Christ.. and it was the first moment I understood what 'being saved' really meant.  I needed that again, but I was blind to that truth.. I created blindness in myself because I was tired of people.. I was tired of every bit of what church did inside of me.  If we visited the church all we would hear was how they missed us and wondered how we were doing.  All I could think.. was .. how I did not believe them.  They were all liars ... and it would keep me from church for longer and longer periods of time.  

I had no idea what was going on with my wife during this time period.. I was oblivious to her.. she was just someone in the house with me... not the person I married.. for the reasons I married her.  I know now.. that she was a prayer warrior.   She stood up for me when I wanted no one around me.. she loved me when I was a fortress of hate that let no love beyond my fortifications.  Deep in my heart .. I had to know this.. and as well .. I believe that I desired it.  

Oddly I thought I was still doing a good job of hiding all of my problems.. that I was still just as good as before.  I certainly was not reading my bible and as well I hardly sought the Lord during this time. Mostly I just blamed Him for my problems.. and held anger against Him.

We had to moved out of our home - and had no other option but to move in with my parents.  This was fine with me... I lived there most of my life.. it felt like coming home.  I only thought for a moment how it must have been for Melanie.  The truth is .. it was hard on both of us... Certainly her more, but I had some problems too.. mainly dealing with ego.  We did get pregnant before moving, but .. it at times felt oddly like a curse then a blessing because .. well at least I could not see how we were going to deal with a kid.  Something had to change...

I worked hard to find a job willing to take me.. and God worked in the way that He works and provided a job... actually the same company that I am still employed.  I was happy with God, but ... I knew that the change that I wanted.. was never the job.  The job was needed, but something else was needed more.  Arguments, tears, and heartache over pornography would tear our marriage apart if something was not done.  I was clueless to the solution.  I was broken.  I was a failure.. a hypocrite. I actually had the thought that I could not go back to being a Church attending Christian because I was just not good enough for it. .. it makes me laugh now.. but.. it was a hard hurdle to get over..

I read a book while I was attending AUM called, "God's Psychiatry" ... and one of the things the author of the book would 'prescribe' to his patients .. was reading Psalm 139 three times a day.  I remembered that during this time.. and decided that I would read Psalm 139 three times a day.  I failed at that, but I did read it every morning before going to work.  I did this for about two and a half months ... every morning.. I read nothing less.. nothing more.. 

Psalm 139

To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

 ¹O LORD, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.     ²You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.
    ³You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.
    ⁴For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
    ⁵You have beset me and shut me in--behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me.
    ⁶Your [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high above me, I cannot reach it.
    ⁷Where could I go from Your Spirit? Or where could I flee from Your presence?
    ⁸If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol (the place of the dead), behold, You are there.
    ⁹If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
    ¹⁰Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.
    ¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me,
    ¹²Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You.
    ¹³For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
    ¹⁴I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
    ¹⁵My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
    ¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
    ¹⁷How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
    ¹⁸If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You.
    ¹⁹If You would [only] slay the wicked, O God, and the men of blood depart from me--
    ²⁰Who speak against You wickedly, Your enemies who take Your name in vain!
    ²¹Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You? And am I not grieved and do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
    ²²I hate them with perfect hatred; they have become my enemies.
    ²³Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
    ²⁴And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

It would be awesome to tell you that I actually memorized it and can recite it on command, but God did not really bestow that gift on me.  I cannot even remember the reason that this was the part of the bible suggested.  All I know is that it helped me turn my head around.  If I had to create a theory as to how it worked.. let me recopy this part of that passage:

¹O LORD, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.    ²You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.
    ³You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.

    ⁴For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

It begins with a search having finished and God knowing all about the speaker.. and as well it ends:

 ²³Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

    ²⁴And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

With the desire to be searched again.  God searched me.. each and every day... God spoke to me.. each and every day.. and I listened.. Becoming who I needed to be in Him was not something that just happened.. just like 'getting saved'.. or "accepting Christ".. when you are no longer on the road.. and want to get back on.. it does not.. it WILL NOT just happen... I had to BEG God to search me.. I had to WANT God to search me.. to reveal to me what was wrong in my life.  I had to learn that hiding my sins from my wife would kill our marriage.  I now am 100% open with her about  my sins.. even if they may hurt her.. it actually keeps me from doing something.. and even thinking somethings, just because I KNOW that I will HAVE to tell her.

It may be hard to begin to moved again, but just like any other object in our universe.. if you get it moving.. you create inertia.. and without another force acting on you (sin, temptation, doubt).. you can keep going.  The only time that you stop.. the only time that you lose.. is the moment you give up.  Never give up.  I would love to continue the story to share more where I am now, but maybe that is for later - for right now.. I just want you to know.. no matter how far you feel away.. how much you believe yourself to be broken ... God is waiting.. with his hand over you.. wanting you to just take it.. and accept Him.  If reading Psalm 139 daily works.. awesome.. if not.. try another one.. 

This only touches a tiny bit on my life.. but I hope that it can encourage someone.. 

My hope is for us, as believers, to grow.. or just be at a point that we are no longer afraid of our sins.  When I commit a sin.. I do not want to be afraid to bring it up.  I want to have someone that I can trust - we need to be 'someones' that others can trust with the knowledge of our sins.. or sinful thoughts.  Call it confession if you will, but what I am talking about is having a true companionship with one another as believers that we can actually lift one another up in our troubles.. and I do not just mean financial and emotional, but even considering the desire of temptation and sin.  We need encouragement in every aspect of life, but our fear of judgment creates in us a desire to hide our sins from the believers around us.. only making those very sins to grow and fester in the dark.

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